The Ed Blog

Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”  “Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke.  “Our cup holders are world-class.”

But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.  “You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said.  “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”  Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.” 

No offense to those of you to whom this MIGHT apply.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

WHICH WOULD YOU DO?

(HINT:  ONE IS A PIG AND ONE IS A MILF)

PALIN IS ONE HOT MILF

As predicted here, the Ravens and their fans (Dugg the gay jackass) suck.

Duggie begs for steel or anything else up his lame butt

Conan O'Brien released a statement saying he will not follow an 11:35 pm Jay Leno show with a 12:05 'Tonight Show'.  He also takes shots at NBC.  Network executives will let O'Brien weigh other offers and decide whether he will move back to midnight, or move on, according to the Web site.  Under the terms of his contract, NBC could block O'Brien from switching allegiances, but they have decided to give him the choice.

Jerry Seinfeld took the side of NBC and Leno.  "What did the network do to Conan? I don't think anyone's preventing people from watching Conan," he said.  CBS's "Late Show with David Letterman" has consistently been beating O'Brien.

You have to wonder, though, how much NBC really wants to keep O'Brien, who struggled after moving from the comfortable, loose confines of his "Late Night" roost to the more-demanding 11:35 p.m. slot Leno mastered for 17 years.

Sure, Conan attracted those young viewers so coveted by NBC CEO Jeff Zucker that the exec gave Leno five years' notice in 2004 that O'Brien and his kiddie generation would be inheriting Leno's beloved "Tonight Show" throne.

But not lost on anyone in the TV business since June 1, 2009, is that O'Brien also hemorrhaged nearly half of Leno's audience -- and, with that, gained the dubious (and embarrassing) distinction of watching CBS rival David Letterman, whipped for years by Leno, surpass him in total viewers while nearly equaling his young-viewer numbers.

So now, NBC salivates as it gets the chance to put Jay back on at 11:35.

Hours after being quoted as saying that he is "blacker than Barack Obama," former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said that he had been "misunderstood by the white media," adding, "It's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."  But even as Mr. Blagojevich tried to explain his controversial comment, he may have dug a deeper hole for himself, telling reporters, "When I said that I was blacker than Barack Obama, I wasn't singling him out - I am, in fact, the blackest man in America."

Raising the ante, Mr. Blagojevich urged reporters to consult an authority on the subject of blackness:  "Don't take my word for it -- ask Harry Reid."  Reached for comment, Sen. Reid (D - Nev) said he was agnostic on the matter of Mr. Blagojevich's blackness, but added, "For a black man he does look rather light-skinned to me."

and take names

A Joyous Christmas to EB, Aza, Jimbo, Ernie, Riff, Dick ( I guess ), Mos, Duggie and of course the Senator.  You guys are the best.  Your pal in blogging, Ed

Three consecutive World Series appearances?

One source said that — as of shortly after 3 p.m. Monday — the commissioner's office had not granted the Phillies permission to discuss an extension with Halladay. Halladay likely would agree to a contract extension with the Phillies to waive his no-trade clause.  Lee, signed for one more year at $9 million, will be a free agent after next season. The Phillies had been uncertain of whether they could sign him, but by acquiring Halladay — and locking him up with an extension — they are securing an ace long-term. If the deal falls through, the Phillies would presumably revive their efforts to sign Lee long-term.

The trade is highly complex, sources say, with the Phillies receiving money from the Jays to help pay Halladay's salary next season. Halladay is owed $15.75 million, but that number could be negotiated down as part of a new contract agreement. It's believed that Halladay is willing to accept a below-market extension in order to make the finances balance for Philadelphia.  One source with knowledge of the Mariners' plans said Jack Zduriencik has been looking for two starting pitchers — not just one. Lee will now slot behind ace Felix Hernandez. It's not clear who the No. 3 starter will be, since Morrow may be included in the trade.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  'In honor of this holy season'  Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a  lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.  'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'  Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.  St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'  The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.   I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.