Obama Central

All Obama all the time - a crusade to keep "that woman" out of the White House

2008/5/15

Dan Kurtzman's May 13 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 15, 2008

@ 05:57 AM (19 hours, 31 minutes ago)

 

May 13, 2008

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, on the campaign trail,
Hillary Clinton gave a speech. She said, this is a quote, 'A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.' That's true, yeah. Then Hillary pointed to her husband and said, 'And a man is like a douchebag.' ... I can't believe she said that." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, big blowout in West Virginia's primary tonight. Yeah, she's the big winner in West Virginia. Which means that one day, she could be president of West Virginia." -Jay Leno

"You know, Hillary's campaign [is] $20 million in debt. $20 million, which proves, if anything, she could be president." --Jay Leno

"In fact, money is so tight in her campaign, I understand today, she was wearing a rented pantsuit." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting? Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. That's what they called it today, 'the moment of truth.' I love politics. They campaign and lie to us for six months, but we only get a moment of truth. Why can't we have a little more truth?" --Jay Leno

"And you know this talk about vice president. You've heard this rumor going around. George Stephanopoulos on ABC said that Hillary would accept the vice presidency, but under certain conditions. Like, if Barack Obama was to get really, really sick. Maybe then." --Jay Leno

"Actually,
Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this? This is kind of an interesting idea. In a move they say could revolutionize politics, John McCain and Barack Obama said they might campaign together, go out together. Yeah, they're going to bill themselves as 'Ebony and History.' No, but they would go out and they would debate each other on the road. You got the older, grumpy white guy, and you got the young, smooth-talking black guy. Doesn't that sound like the premise for the worst sitcom of all time? Coming to NBC, it's 'Grandpa and the Brother!'" --Jay Leno

"And
President Bush announced this week that he will go to Saudi Arabia and meet with King Abdullah. That's got to be nerve-wracking for President Bush, huh? Being called to the carpet by the big boss." --Jay Leno

"With all the problems we have going on right here, how many think it's a mistake for him to leave the country? I'm curious. How many think the mistake is him coming back?"

"To give you an idea how low President Bush's approval rating is right now, at his daughter's wedding last weekend, he wasn't in any of the photos. You know that? 'Can you step aside? Excuse me, excuse me, can you move out of the picture?'"

"
Jenna Bush and her husband, Henry Hager, are honeymooning in Europe right now. That's what they're doing. And President Bush is nothing if not consistent. Like he said, there's no timetable for bringing him home. That's what he said. They're not bringing him back any time soon." --Jay Leno

"Henry Hager, he was good in Van Halen. I liked him." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush actually cried at his daughter's wedding? Did you see that in the news? ... I haven't seen a grown man cry like that since
Bill Clinton realized Hillary might be coming home a lot sooner than he thought" --Jay Leno

"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now." --David Letterman

"And you're not going to believe this. In Times Square today, honestly I saw a hooker in Times Square ... wearing a sign that read, 'Will accept economic stimulus checks.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman

"But they're not even pretending. Hillary Clinton is so broke now, and this is true, some friends of mine spotted her, in the middle of the night last night, at a laundromat, honest to God, with a hamper full of pantsuits" --David Letterman

"Big Democratic primary in West Virginia tonight. Hillary, of course, has long been predicted to win by 20 to 30 points. This is great news. No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want, and I know that because I read it today in today's 'USA Today,' which ran this headline: 'Dems say let the contest continue,' just above this much smaller headline, 'But more say Clinton should quit, polls show.' Well done, 'USA Today.' Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them" --Stephen Colbert

 

2008/5/14

YFZ Ranch and the Texas CPS, DPS, DFPS - A Reality Check

@ 05:56 PM (1 day, 7 hours ago)

 

Some FACTS anyone? 

On Monday May 12 at about 11:15 a.m., one of the former residents of the YFZ Ranch in the care of Child Protective Services (CPS) delivered a baby boy in Austin. The boy is healthy and the mother is doing well. The child will be placed with his mother in foster care and is in the temporary custody of CPS. The number of children now in the care of CPS is 465. The mother and 26 others are in the "disputed minors" category, which applies to YFZ Ranch residents who CPS believes are minors, or who have provided different ages and other conflicting information to CPS at different times. Since the children were moved from temporary shelters in San Angelo into foster care on April 24 and 25, CPS has been gathering and reviewing information about the persons in the disputed minors category. If CPS determines that any are adults, appropriate action will be taken.

On April 29, a child was born to another former resident of the YFZ Ranch.  Let's go back from the beginning and look at the facts:

March 29-31

Over the weekend, a 16 year-old girl called a domestic violence shelter and reported that she had been sexually and physically abused in the past by her 49-year old “husband.”  The girl reported living at the YFZ (Yearn for Zion) Ranch, an outpost of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, in Eldorado, Texas. The shelter called in a report to SWI (Statewide Intake), the CPS Hotline, and CPS investigators were assigned to the case.

CPS contacted law enforcement and began working closely with the Department of Public Safety (DPS), the sheriff’s office, the courts and other local officials.

Thursday, April 3

The Texas Rangers determined the timing of entering the compound, and late Thursday afternoon, law enforcement entered the compound. Once it was secured CPS investigators entered and began interviewing residents and children.  CPS investigators were at the compound all night and into Friday.

Friday, April 4

CPS took temporary legal custody of 18 girls (ages 6 months to 17 years) after investigators concluded they had been abused or were in imminent risk of future abuse. Thirty-four other girls were transported from the compound to a civic center in Eldorado for further questioning to determine if they had been abused or were at risk of abuse.

That evening, another 85 children, and 46 adult women who wanted to accompany the children, were transported to the civic center.

Saturday, April 5

CPS continued interviewing the children at the civic center and the compound. CPS called upon 15 more special investigators from around the state to assist.

The Governor’s Division of Emergency Management dispatched its Regional Incident Coordinator to the scene, activated the mass care plan, and began arranging for a larger shelter in San Angelo.

Sunday, April 6

All children and adults at shelters in Eldorado were moved to a centralized shelter in at the Ft. Concho complex in San Angelo. Including new arrivals from the FLDS compound there were 246 children and 93 women in DFPS care. 

CPS continued to work with law enforcement to locate children at the compound and bring them to the shelters in San Angelo.

Monday, April 7

District Judge Barbara Walthers granted DFPS temporary legal custody of all 401 the children in the shelter in San Angelo, after it was concluded that some of these children had been sexually and physically abused and the rest are at risk of abuse if returned to their homes at this time. An adversarial hearing was set for April 17, 2008 to determine if the children should remain in DFPS conservatorship.

The HHSC, DFPS, and STAR Health program have been working to provide for all the medical and psychological needs of these children. Arrangements were being made for medical evaluations, counseling, and whatever treatment is appropriate.

DFPS began working to locate longer term foster care living arrangements to provide the children more structure and stability. The temporary shelter at the Fort Concho complex in San Angelo is near capacity.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

CPS involvement in the operation at the compound itself is over. All the children who were living on the FLDS compound are now in CPS care.

15 more children were transported to the shelter last night, bringing the total number of children in state custody to 416 children. 139 women are at the shelters.

DFPS has now moved into the legal stage of this case.

Another shelter was opened in San Angelo and more than 100 children were moved into it in order to better meet their needs.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

DFPS and other state agencies continued to work to supervise and provide for the needs of 416 children who removed from the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound and placed in state custody.  All the children, and 139 adult women, were housed in several shelters in San Angelo.

The Department of State Health Services is coordinating medical and mental health services for the children. Health clinics and screenings are being held. 12 cases of chicken pox were identified and those children and their families were isolated. They contracted the virus before arriving in state custody. So far the screenings indicate that the physical and mental health of the children is generally good.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Judge Barbara Walther ordered DFPS to keep all 416 children removed from the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints compound in the San Angelo area until a hearing on April 17, 2008.  Therefore, no children will be placed into foster care before the hearing and all will remain in shelters.

A number of state agencies are working together to make all the children as comfortable as possible, and to meet all their physical, medical and psychology needs while they are in San Angelo.

Including 139 women who are companying the children, the state is providing for 555 people in shelters at this time.

APRIL 12-13

Judge Barbara Walther ordered DFPS to confiscate the cell phones of the 139 women to prevent witnesses tampering and interference with the legal process.

The women and children are being housed in a collection of nearby shelters. They are all being provided wholesome food, a place to sleep, personal items they need, and medical care by a team of doctors and mental health professionals.

A number of the children arrived at the shelters already suffering from a variety of illnesses including chicken pox, upper respiratory infections, ear infections, etc. Each is receiving the appropriate medical care.

MONDAY, APRIL 14

The children have been moved to a single large shelter at the San Angelo Coliseum, which provides more room and facilities for guests. With permission from Judge Barbara Walther, DFPS moved about two dozen teenage boys to a facility outside the area.

Adult women with very young children were provided the opportunity to remain at the shelter. The other women were given the choice to return to the Eldorado compound or to a safe place. This decision to separate the children was not made by CPS alone. DFPS sought counsel from the attorneys of the children, mental health professionals and others. The judge concurred that a partial separation is in the best interest of the children at this time.

TUESDAY, APRIL 15

Every step taken by CPS and the court has been done with the goal of doing what is best for the children, getting to the truth, and stopping abuse.

Children in the Coliseum and pavilion are adapting well to their new surroundings. About 400 women and children under the age of 5 are housed in the San Angelo Coliseum. About 100 older children are in the adjacent Wells Fargo Pavilion. About two dozen teenage boys are being housed in a licensed foster care facility outside the immediate area.

Wednesday, April 16

Several hundred attorneys were on-site visiting with the women and children in preparation for the adversary hearing tomorrow morning.  Space was provided for attorney ad litems to meet with children and for the women’s lawyers to meet with their clients. 

In addition to the busy day of attorney meetings, recreational and educational opportunities were added for the children.  A recreational program has been developed that includes a train to take the children to play inside the football stadium on the coliseum grounds.  In addition, the San Angelo ISD sent teachers to offer educational projects including music and physical education.

Dozens of provider staff voluntarily traveled to San Angelo to assist with staffing the shelters.  DFPS is grateful for the expertise and assistance provider staff have been giving. 

Thursday, April 17

At 9:00 a.m. this morning, the court case hearing began under the jurisdiction of Judge Barbara Walther at the San Angelo Courthouse. The hearing concluded at approximately 9 p.m., with proceedings set to resume at 9:30 a.m. the next morning.

Friday, April 18

Judge Barbara Walther ordered the children removed from the Eldorado FLDS ranch to remain in the temporary custody of the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services.  She also ordered maternity and paternity testing for each child and stated that individual status hearings for children will begin on June 5, 2008. 

As CPS moves forward with placing these children temporarily in licensed residential child care, staff are continuing to keep the health and safety of the children as the top priority.  CPS staff will aim to complete thorough investigations and DSHS staff will continue to provide the physical and mental health services they need. Per court order, DFPS will begin coordinating efforts to identify the biological mother and father of each child.

This isn’t the end of the legal process or a final determination on the custody of the children.  Throughout this process, each child will have several people who are looking out for his or her best interests.  The children will have court-appointed special advocates and attorneys who will monitor their child’s care and progress and report back to the court. DFPS will work with them, the parents, and the judge to make the best decisions for the long-term health and safety of the children.

April 19-20

The Texas Attorney General’s Office is arranging for DNA testing for all the children. On Monday, teams will begin collecting DNA swabs to comply with court-ordered paternity and maternity testing, including testing children and women in the shelters, men and women at the compound, and boys already residing at a residential facility. 
It will take several days to collect all the samples. Once the samples are collected DFPS will begin placing children in foster care.

Monday, April 21, 2008

DNA testing began today with children in the pavilion and then the women and children in the coliseum later in the afternoon.  CPS explained the process to the children and phones were made available for children and women to contact their attorneys if they wanted to discuss the testing or any other issue prior to consenting.  The testing went very well.  

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Today a team of DNA testers were in Eldorado to collect samples from anyone who claimed to be a parent of any of the children.

In coordination with the Department of Public Safety, DFPS began moving additional children into foster placements as DNA testing was completed and placements were finalized. To ease the transition from the shelters to licensed placements, DFPS has made considerable effort to ensure teenage girls will be placed together, pregnant minors and minors with young children will be placed together, and as much as possible sibling groups will be placed together. So far, DFPS has placed 138 children in foster care (ages 5 to 17), including the children transported from San Angelo today and the teenage boys who were previously relocated last week. 

After they are settled in their new placements, DFPS will begin evaluating the individual educational, healthcare and counseling needs of each child and create a service plan for each child. No FLDS child will go to a public school at this time. As with all children in foster care, these children will receive psychiatric evaluations and whatever services they need to adjust to their new situation. In addition, all foster care providers who may be caring for these children received information about how to accommodate their unique needs.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Today DFPS briefed Judge Barbara Walther on the health and status of all the FLDS children since she ruled last week that they should remain in temporary state custody. The judge issued no new orders but prefers children younger than 12 months are kept with their adult mothers.

DFPS will make arrangements to accommodate the judge’s request as well as keep siblings together in foster care. Minors with children will also be kept together. While most of the mothers who have been staying in the shelters must be separated from children as they go into foster care, plans are being devised to allow and encourage visitation.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Today 64 women and 63 children left the shelter at the San Angelo Coliseum. Seventeen women who each have a child under 12 months of age were taken to a placement where they can stay with their children. The remaining children, including children who had previously claimed to be over 18, were placed in licensed residential child care facilities. The other women who left the coliseum were offered the choice to return to the YFZ ranch or be taken to a safe location.  The children, both in the coliseum and being moved to placements, are doing very well.

DFPS continues to work with the hundreds of attorney ad litems in an effort to coordinate plans and facilitate communication with their clients.  The agency has created an e-mail distribution list to easily communicate with ad litems, installed phones in the coliseum complex to make it easier for attorneys to consult with their clients, and set up a dedicated toll free number to allow attorneys to leave messages for clients. The caseworkers assigned to the children in residential child care placements will also help to coordinate ad litem/child communication. 

Friday, April 25, 2008

Today, the last of the FLDS children were moved from the shelter at the San Angelo coliseum into foster care settings across Texas. One child was transported to a hospital with dehydration as a precaution. The mass shelter is now being closed. Moving 462 children into foster care allows the children to live in safe, stable environments while the CPS investigation continues into sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at the FLDS compound near Eldorado, Texas.

While in the temporary custody of the state, all the children will be protected and safe. Caseworkers will be assigned to each child to make sure each receives the medical, psychological, and educational services needed. No long term decisions or recommendations have been made about where the children will live. Judge Barbara Walther ruled that all the children would remain in state conservatorship for now. Status hearings will begin for each child starting in mid-May.

 

Dan Kurtzman's May 12 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 14, 2008

@ 08:04 AM (1 day, 17 hours ago)

 

May 12, 2008

"Anybody go down to the Crawford ranch for the big Jenna Bush wedding over the weekend? ... It was a lovely affair and God bless the kids. It's so nice so, sweet, romantic. But do you know there is a rice shortage? Are you aware of the fact you can't get rice in this country? So, when the wedding was over, they threw caramelized onions." --David Letterman

"That was so sweet, because at the reception,
President Bush danced with his lovely daughter. It's the first time he has led in eight years." --David Letterman

"Beautiful wedding down there in Crawford, Texas. They had a great time. And everybody enjoyed a lovely reception. And Bush danced with all the guests. And then Cheney shot the cake." --David Letterman

"How about that presidential race?
Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"But if you look at this historically, it's not that difficult to believe that Hillary would still be campaigning. Listen to this. Once a year, once a year in his basement,
Al Gore gives a State of the Union address." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"No, everyone, apparently, had a very good time at the wedding. And afterwards, the press asked him, and President Bush said it was 'spectacular.' Yeah, when asked why, President Bush said, 'Three words: the chicken dance.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the West Virginia primary. Many political experts are expecting a record voter turnout. They think everyone's going to turn out. West Virginia voters say they're being lured to the polls by the excitement of the campaign, the closeness of the race and the promise of free squirrel meat. I'm gonna get a shotgun blast in the ass for that." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called '
No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Before we begin, in case Hillary Clinton is watching, I'd like to point out the exits [on screen: Leno mimics an airline attendant in pointing out the exits]." --Jay Leno

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

"Well,
John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"And former congressman Bob Barr entered the race today as a Libertarian. He's a Libertarian. See, I don't think Bush understands these terms. When they asked Bush about it, he said, 'Look, I don't care if the guy doesn't eat meat, what does he stand for?'" --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, still-President Bush celebrated the wedding of his daughter, Jenna. She married Myron Goldblum at Temple Beth El, in, I believe, Dix Hills, Long Island. It's a very reformed synagogue. I kid, of course! The young man's name is Henry Hager. The wedding was at the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas, and the rabbi was a priest. There's a close-up of Jenna's dress [on screen: photo of Jenna Bush in her wedding gown]. She looks lovely in an Oscar de la Renta made of white organza. Because what's she going to do, wear chiffon in May? She's not her father, people. Get over it. ... I'm told that that joke made sense" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

S"Nation, I hope you all caught Clinton spokesman Terry McAuliffe on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. Impressive performance, calm, cool and collected [on screen: McAuliffe talking to NBC's Tim Russert about Clinton's chances in the race]. ... I believe he did the entire interview in one breath. Beat that, David Blaine. Now, everybody knows the number one rule when you appear on 'Meet the Press' is to appeal to the issues Tim Russert cares about, specifically, his father, Big Russ [on screen: video of McAuliffe talking about Russert's dad as if he were dead, then Russert correcting him and telling McAuliffe his father is still alive]. Yes, turns out Russert's father is still alive. But folks, that was no slip of the tongue. The Clintons play hardball, Tim. It was a thinly-veiled threat against your dad. You take it easy on Hillary, or Big Russ will be sucking down scotch in heaven. I hope that Barcalounger does not have its back to a window" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

 

2008/5/13

Dan Kurtzman's May 9 and 10 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 13, 2008

@ 06:40 AM (2 days, 18 hours ago)

 

May 9-10, 2008

"You know who's getting married tomorrow, do you have any idea? One of the Bush twins. Jenna Bush is getting married tomorrow in Crawford, Texas, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be there, so it's going to be a shotgun wedding." --David Letterman

"
President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend in Crawford, Texas. It'll be a relatively small wedding. Only her family's loved ones will be there: the CEOs of the five major oil companies." --Jay Leno

"Boy, that's got to be every girl's dream, don't you think? Getting married in Crawford, Texas? And to add a little icing to the cake, I understand they're gonna be honeymooning in Plano." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting fact about the wedding a lot of people didn't know. Since her father's approval rating is only 29%, she has asked
John McCain to give her away" --Jay Leno

"To help improve his approval ratings, today, President Bush reached out to the gay community. He shook hands with his daughter's wedding planner." --Jay Leno

"According to the most recent exit polls, most people think
Hillary Clinton should exit. So that seems the way it's going." --Jay Leno

"Hillary says she's staying in the race because there are new patterns emerging, such as lower educated white men are now supporting her. That's what she said. Polls show she has strong support among lesser-educated white males. So you know what that means: President Bush could be voting for her now." --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is Hillary's campaign is going broke, and her staff have been told that the future campaign events are gonna have to cut back on the frills. Taking out all the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary are gonna have to share a hotel room." --Jay Leno

"And, you know, I think she's starting to get a little bit desperate. ... Today, in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told the crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, but also brother and sister." --Jay Leno

"
John McCain is marking Mother's Day by releasing a video of him talking to his 96-year-old mother. It's, very nice, yeah. There's an awkward moment during the video when Larry King walks by and says, 'Whoa, who's the MILF?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is still out there campaigning. She refuses to give up. And she's giving a lot of interviews. The other day, Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Yeah, Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now,
Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia. Political experts say it's because Barack doesn't have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. Yeah, after hearing this, Barack said, 'Thank God!'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is getting married tomorrow at the Bush family brush-clearing facility in Crawford, Texas. So, if you're feeling a little bit low this weekend, maybe you're in a bad mood, things aren't going right, just close your eyes and picture our president doing the chicken dance, because that is what will be happening." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week's issue of 'Time' magazine more or less declares Barack Obama the Democratic nominee. ... Most experts agree he's got the nomination wrapped up, but Hillary Clinton still is not giving up. She says, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And in a way, she's right, because most everyone does want her to get going already. She won't, though." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta." --Seth Meyers

"The state of Israel turns 60 on Thursday, meaning it won't be long before it moves to Florida." --Amy Poehler

"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. Aw, that's cute, said oil." --Amy Poehler

 

2008/5/12

Bill Clinton Visits Wheel of Fortune

@ 08:34 PM (3 days, 4 hours ago)

 

BILL CLINTON SPELLS IT OUT

DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION THE HILLARY SHILL HIT THE TV GAME SHOW CIRCUIT

 

Dan Kurtzman's Hillary Clinton Farce Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 12, 2008

@ 07:19 AM (3 days, 18 hours ago)

 

"Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That's true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, 'I've never seen so many women with my mom's haircut.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 am, slept right through it." --Jay Leno

"Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday -- true story -- Hillary Clinton's top adviser abruptly left her campaign.

When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Wait, we can leave?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

2008/5/11

Dan Kurtzman's May 8 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 11, 2008

@ 09:31 AM (4 days, 15 hours ago)

 

May 8, 2008

"A lot of pressure now on Hillary Clinton to drop out of the race. She didn't do so well in the primaries the other night. A lot of pressure. And it's been reported, this is the latest, that Barack Obama's campaign is negotiating with Hillary Clinton for her to go away. ... And when he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd love to know how that works.'"--Conan O'Brien

"One of Hillary Clinton's advisers says that the chance of Hillary conceding the nomination to Barack Obama and dropping out of the race is only about 10%. Yeah, however, the adviser admits that if Obama wins the presidency, that number could go as high as 11%. She can hang on." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, by the way, and my gosh, talk about a fighter. A fighter. But too bad her campaign is running out of money. That's right. And it's very expensive, and they're not paying their bills. As a matter of fact, today, and this very sad, a collection agency repo'ed her pantsuit. That's a true story. You can look that up." --David Letterman

"So here's what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial." --David Letterman

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"Now here's what I don't understand about government and politics and stuff like that. ... Earlier today, President Bush asked Congress to okay ... an additional $50 billion for his daughter's wedding." --David Letterman

"This weekend, in Crawford, Texas, at the Bush family ranch, one of president Bush's daughter,
Jenna, will be getting married. As a matter of fact, tomorrow she is getting married. And I thought this was cute. Because the groom went to President Bush and he asked President Bush for his daughter's hand in marriage. And President Bush said, 'Well, it's okay with me, but you gotta run it by Cheney.'" --David Letterman

"Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, he's the one accused of groping a woman in a Las Vegas parking lot while drunk. The guy's the governor, by the way. But he's filed for divorce. He's now trying to evict his wife from the Governor's Mansion. He's trying to kick her out. Yeah. And he told the press, 'You know what it's like when a woman just won't get the hint and leave?' To which Barack Obama said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now,
Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, the 'New York Times' reported the other night, while they were on stage, you know, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, 'Don't worry, Bill, I'll always be here with you.' And he said, 'Don't make it worse!'" --Jay Leno

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it's nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the superdelegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama, but if Obama wins, there's going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think, now more than ever, we need a President Oprah." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

2008/5/10

Dan Kurtzman's May 7 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 10, 2008

@ 07:47 AM (5 days, 17 hours ago)

 

May 7, 2008

"Very tough night for Hillary Clinton, as you're aware. Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out, 'cause there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary, this week on the campaign trail, 'cause she's talking a lot, all the candidates are talking about their past. Hillary Clinton told supporters her first job was as a babysitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told supporters his first time was with a babysitter. So it worked out." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama soundly beat Hillary Clinton in North Carolina by 14 points. And in Indiana, Hillary Clinton won. So you know what this means? No, neither do I. And I don't care anymore. I'm fed up. ... I don't care who wins. Can we end this stupid thing?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting. The experts say, if you do the math, there's no way Hillary Clinton can win the nomination. And today, Hillary responded by saying, 'People who do math are elitist.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, they use that word a lot in the election, 'elitist.' Here's my question. Didn't elite used to be a good thing? I mean, if you were elite, didn't that mean the best? 'Oh, no. We don't want anybody who's elitist. God forbid we should have decent people doing this.' And they say the Clinton campaign is out of money, and today, Republicans said, 'How much do you need?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, not looking good for Hillary. Today, even Yogi Berra said, 'It's over.'" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Did you see what he did this afternoon? Did you see what he did today? He went bowling with his former pastor, Reverend Wright. ... That's confidence." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night, that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people? What is it? Chubby people can't resist them." --Jay Leno

"
President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This thing just grinds on and on. Barack Obama won in North Carolina. Hillary Clinton barely won in my home state in Indiana, and again, we're hearing that the Clinton campaign is in financial trouble. They need money, desperately need money. And as a matter of fact, to raise money, earlier today. Hillary Clinton entered a wet pantsuit contest." --David Letterman

"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters.
Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now,
Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman

"One thing about getting eliminated on 'American Idol,' you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won't. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she's still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everybody knows Barack Obama has a problem with the Reverend Wright issue. Americans, I think 35% said that they were concerned about his relationship with the reverend. You, sir, have your own person, religious - I don't want to say zealot - but a religious person endorsing your campaign that Americans have expressed greater concern, your relationship with him - 43%. Will you take the opportunity right now to repudiate and denounce President Bush?" --Jon Stewart to John McCain (
Watch video clip)

 

2008/5/9

Dan Kurtzman's May 6 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 9, 2008

@ 06:49 AM (6 days, 18 hours ago)

 

May 6, 2008

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been campaigning very hard. And now it's down to the wire. In fact, they're pulling out all the stops. This is the latest. The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. It's true. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women's field hockey team." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is doing his part, too. Yeah, he's everywhere. Yesterday in North Carolina, former president Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pickup truck. True. And like all the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pickup truck, it began, 'You have beautiful eyes.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is busy, meanwhile. President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night. Si. ... And he said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor' Very nice, yeah. Then Bush said, 'And by 'neighbor,' I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and never leaves.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don't want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can't, of course, anymore." --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There'll be 200 guests at the wedding, which, according the latest polls, means that 140 of those people at the wedding disapprove of the job President Bush is doing." --Jay Leno

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"And Indiana and North Carolina held their primaries today. But the Democrats are now saying that Hillary and Barack could be battling for the nomination well into June. Now, aren't they acting more and more like Republicans? Neither one of them has an exit strategy, you know?" --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential Democratic campaign, the primaries? Whoa, are you kidding me? I mean, today they're in Indiana. My home state. And also North Carolina. And then, after that, they go to Canada. And then after the Canadian primaries, they go to Europe. They do the European [primaries], and the election is still three years away." --David Letterman

"I am fascinated by the strategy that both candidates employ from time to time. For example, in Indiana, Hillary Clinton is going after the blue collar vote. That's right. The blue collar vote. And so she's been drinking beer, driving a pickup truck, and earlier today she was at a construction site hooting at chicks. 'Hey, hey, baby!'" --David Letterman

"Gas killing you? The price of gas? They're talking about $10 by Labor Day. Honest to God, $10 a gallon. Hillary says that she supports now a summertime gas tax holiday. I don't know what that means exactly, but I will tell you I'm in favor of a holiday that does not involve relatives. Are you with me on that?" --David Letterman

"The results are in, the polls are closed, and right now we're projecting that Barack Obama is liked more by black people than Hillary Clinton." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats had two important primaries today, in North Carolina and Indiana, and the party could be over for Hillary Clinton. She might have won Indiana, but she lost North Carolina, which is bigger. They're saying now, really the only way Obama could possibly lose would be for him to marry Bill Clinton, which isn't going to happen." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn't do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Clinton was on 'Extra' last night. They asked her about potential running mates. And all I have to say is, I'm pretty excited about some of the names being tossed around [on screen: video of Clinton, asked to choose between Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Jimmy Kimmel for her VP pick]. Hey, all right. Let me tell you something. As far as the list goes, Cowell is a foreigner, so he's out. Ellen is a woman, so I don't think they would pick two women on the same ticket, [so that] pretty much leaves just me. I am pleased to announce that I accept your invitation. I promise a chicken McNugget in every pot. Why not pick me? She's not going to win anyway. We might as well have a lot of fun." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nation, the more I learn about John McCain, the more I like his maverick spirit. For instance, his critics say he's too old. So what does McCain do? He keeps aging. The politically expedient thing would be to grow younger. McCain clearly doesn't care what the polls say. But there is one recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that he should pay attention to. It found that 32% of Americans consider Barack Obama's connection to Reverand Wright a major concern. But 43% are concerned about John McCain's connection to George Bush. In other words, the biggest political albatross heading into November is George Bush. That is a shame, especially considering everything President Bush has done to ensure the extinction of albatrosses." --Stephen Colbert

 

2008/5/8

Dan Kurtzman's May 5 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 8, 2008

@ 08:28 AM (7 days, 16 hours ago)

 

"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

"
President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The federal government announced that the economy lost jobs for the fourth straight month in a row. But President Bush tried to turn it around by saying, 'The good news is, we anticipated this.' See, that's the good news. So what is he saying? 'See, I knew I was going to screw up the economy. And guess what. I was right.' All of a sudden, that response to Hurricane Katrina is starting to make sense now." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Pentagon announced a new policy aimed at reducing the stigma associated with seeing a psychiatrist. It says soldiers and military people who need counseling with a psychiatrist will no longer have to mention that when they apply for a job with a high security clearance. I think that's a good policy. Look, if you work for the Pentagon and you buy a hammer for $9,000, you should be able to see a psychiatrist." --Jay Leno

"I want to apologize to the administration. I forgot last Thursday was the fifth anniversary of President Bush's 'Mission Accomplished' declaration. I'm sorry! Usually on that day, I let the president dress up in a flight suit and land on me. But at least the White House has gained some perspective on that fateful day [on screen: video of WH Press Sec. Dana Perino saying Bush realizes he should have clarified which mission he thought went well]. Oh, oh. And that the war should have been more carefully planned and probably shouldn't have been started. But really, half a decade into the war, the one thing the Bush administration would have changed is the banner font. Should have gone with Times Courier, d'oh." --Jon Stewart (
Watch video clip)

"Folks, today is Monday, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, which means it must be time for, 'Indecision '08, The Long Flat Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March to the White House.' The United States election is headed to Guam, where residents of our nation's 32nd largest island ... in your face Hinchinbrook Island, Alaska! ... got a chance to weigh in, reaping the benefits of America's 1944 retaking of the turd-shaped paradise. ... They split Guam! It's like two miles wide. They split it. The margin would have been even closer, but the Ferguson's canoe got hit by a sea turtle." --Jon Stewart

"There is one small problem with the gas tax vacation [on screen: Clinton telling ABC's George Stephanopoulos that she isn't going to 'put [her] lot in' with economists on the gas tax issue]. Really? Even on economic issues? I mean, I can understand health-related things. You're not going to go to an economist and say 'Hey, what's this?' There, you go with a doctor. What's happened to her? One of the most educated people to ever run for president, Wellesley grad, Yale Law, former first lady, sitting senator, and not from some bullsh*t state either. ... I was pandering. All of a sudden, she's rejecting the opinions of experts, speaking with a folksy accent, threatening to obliterate Iran. I mean, it's like, 'Oh my God! He's never leaving. In one way or another, he'll always be our president [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush]." --Jon Stewart (
Watch video clip)

 

Dan Kurtzman's May 5 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 8, 2008

@ 08:20 AM (7 days, 17 hours ago)

 

May 5, 2008

"I guess it's neck and neck with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. They've got a big primary tomorrow, and they're everywhere right now. Yesterday's entire 'Meet the Press' was devoted to Barack Obama, while the entire 'This Week with George Stephanopoulos' was devoted to Hillary Clinton. ... Meanwhile, John McCain spent the day watching a 'Golden Girls' marathon." --Conan O'Brien

"
President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. That was nice. Yeah. Then the president said, 'Now, let's get back to building that fence.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The federal government announced that the economy lost jobs for the fourth straight month in a row. But President Bush tried to turn it around by saying, 'The good news is, we anticipated this.' See, that's the good news. So what is he saying? 'See, I knew I was going to screw up the economy. And guess what. I was right.' All of a sudden, that response to Hurricane Katrina is starting to make sense now." --Jay Leno

"Well, the Pentagon announced a new policy aimed at reducing the stigma associated with seeing a psychiatrist. It says soldiers and military people who need counseling with a psychiatrist will no longer have to mention that when they apply for a job with a high security clearance. I think that's a good policy. Look, if you work for the Pentagon and you buy a hammer for $9,000, you should be able to see a psychiatrist." --Jay Leno

"I want to apologize to the administration. I forgot last Thursday was the fifth anniversary of President Bush's 'Mission Accomplished' declaration. I'm sorry! Usually on that day, I let the president dress up in a flight suit and land on me. But at least the White House has gained some perspective on that fateful day [on screen: video of WH Press Sec. Dana Perino saying Bush realizes he should have clarified which mission he thought went well]. Oh, oh. And that the war should have been more carefully planned and probably shouldn't have been started. But really, half a decade into the war, the one thing the Bush administration would have changed is the banner font. Should have gone with Times Courier, d'oh." --Jon Stewart (
Watch video clip)

"Folks, today is Monday, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, which means it must be time for, 'Indecision '08, The Long Flat Seemingly Endless Bataan Death March to the White House.' The United States election is headed to Guam, where residents of our nation's 32nd largest island ... in your face Hinchinbrook Island, Alaska! ... got a chance to weigh in, reaping the benefits of America's 1944 retaking of the turd-shaped paradise. ... They split Guam! It's like two miles wide. They split it. The margin would have been even closer, but the Ferguson's canoe got hit by a sea turtle." --Jon Stewart

"There is one small problem with the gas tax vacation [on screen: Clinton telling ABC's George Stephanopoulos that she isn't going to 'put [her] lot in' with economists on the gas tax issue]. Really? Even on economic issues? I mean, I can understand health-related things. You're not going to go to an economist and say 'Hey, what's this?' There, you go with a doctor. What's happened to her? One of the most educated people to ever run for president, Wellesley grad, Yale Law, former first lady, sitting senator, and not from some bullsh*t state either. ... I was pandering. All of a sudden, she's rejecting the opinions of experts, speaking with a folksy accent, threatening to obliterate Iran. I mean, it's like, 'Oh my God! He's never leaving. In one way or another, he'll always be our president [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush]." --Jon Stewart (
Watch video clip)

 

2008/5/7

Hillary Continues to Captain the Titanic

@ 09:52 PM (8 days, 3 hours ago)

 

img181/4033/hillaryvh1.gif

THE POOR THING, THE WATER IS RISING SO FAST HER MOUTH IS ALMOST COVERED

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE HIDEOUS BODY IS TOTALLY SUBMERGED

 

Dan Kurtzman's May 2 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 7, 2008

@ 06:41 AM (8 days, 18 hours ago)

 

May 2, 2008

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea."

"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on YouTube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno

"That makes him the most unpopular president in history, and math and science, too." --Jay Leno

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton told 'People' magazine this week she's never had cosmetic surgery. She said it it's not for her. You know how politicians hate anything that's fake. You know, they don't like that. Actually, there was a rumor she had cosmetic surgery back in the '90s. They said she had her eyes done when she was First Lady. It turns out it was right after the scandal. They just took the blinders off. That was all. No actual surgery was involved." --Jay Leno

"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno

"And a little bit of history for you. It was this week in 1803 that Thomas Jefferson completed the Louisiana Purchase. That was back in the day when presidents actually cared about what happened to Louisiana." --Jay Leno

 

2008/5/6

Dan Kurtzman's May 1 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 6, 2008

@ 06:42 AM (9 days, 18 hours ago)

 

May 1, 2008

"Reverend Wright is everywhere these days, since making his controversial remarks. Barack Obama's former pastor is getting invitations to speak all over the country. In fact, Hillary Clinton just invited him to speak at her inauguration. Best thing that ever happened to her." --Conan O'Brien

"During a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said if she could go on a date with anyone from history, she would chose Abraham Lincoln. It's true, yeah. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said if he could go on a date with anyone from history, he would chose Carmen Electra." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Barbara Walters said that when she was young, she had an affair with a member of the Senate. Yeah, it turns out, it was a member of the Roman Senate." --Conan O'Brien

"Today also happens to be the fifth anniversary of the day that President Bush stood in front of an aircraft carrier with the huge 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind him. Turned out, unless the mission was to blow two trillion dollars and wind up with four dollar a gallon gas, it wasn't accomplished. ... I'm going to miss President Bush, as a comedian. Not as an American." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it's good news. Government figures released by President Bush today shows we are not in a recession. Yeah. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item. Then you're screwed." --Jay Leno

"Well, at his press conference this week, President Bush blasted Congress for not allowing oil exploration in the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve. Democrats said it wouldn't do any good, because it wouldn't produce oil for ten years. You know, the same thing they said 10 years ago." --Jay Leno

"Well, last night we had Cindy McCain on. Nice woman. You know, she talked abut her favorite antique, her husband." --Jay Leno

"Honest to God, David Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes. Now that's entertainment. Are you with me on that? Underwater for 17 minutes without breathing. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, interrogation." --David Letterman

"Blaine set a brand new record, 17 minutes. Now the previous record was held by Bill Clinton, waiting for the results of a home pregnancy test" --David Letterman

"The president donned his money-colored tie Tuesday to deliver a message to Congress [on screen: video of Bush suggesting the tax cuts be made permanent]. Are you suggesting we take the policies that got us into this mess in the first place and render them irrevocable? Stewart, imitating Bush: 'Here's what I'm saying. We dug a big hole for ourselves, people. What I think we need to do is just keep digging. Because eventually we'll get to China. Apparently, they have all our money'" --Jon Stewart

"Folks, I'm sorry. May 10 is just around the corner and I couldn't be more excited, because I'll be traveling down to Crawford, Texas, for the fairy tale wedding of Jenna Bush and 29-year-old soon-to-be MBA Harry Hager. His name is Henry, but he asked me to call him Harrrry. ... I mean, I mean, I assume I'm going. I haven't actually gotten the invitation yet. But the First Family is very busy. You know, probably just fell through the cracks. After all, I did receive a 'Save the Date' card [on screen: Colbert holds up a card with his face and 'Save the Date' on it]. Now, granted, I made it myself, but, I still got pretty excited when I saw it. Now, the other day I saw the first lady give her daughter some wedding advice on the 'Early Show' [on screen: video of Laura Bush telling Jenna to be present in the day and to enjoy her wedding]. It is true. It is so important to be at your own wedding. Let me tell you, people hate to hear 'I do' coming over a speakerphone. Trust me. And if I may add another tip from my own wedding: If you're going to release doves, don't do it directly under the ceiling fan. ... Everybody who is anybody is getting invited. Of course, Dick Cheney is going to be there, throwing rice. Well, well, firing rice [on screen: photo of Cheney firing rice out of a shotgun]. So Henry and Jenna, many happy returns." --Stephen Colbert

 

2008/5/5

David Kurtzman's Late Night Joke Roundup from April 29 Cut and Pasted on May 5, 2008

@ 07:31 AM (10 days, 17 hours ago)

 

April 29, 2008

"Well, the State Department announced today the most dangerous place in the world is no longer the Mideast, it is now between Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a microphone. That is the most dangerous. You will get trampled!" --Jay Leno

"I guess you heard,
Barack Obama's former pastor, Reverend Wright, is now traveling the country trying to explain those controversial remarks he made in some of his sermons. And even Barack Obama is starting to admit it's hurting his campaign. In fact, you know what Barack Obama did today to distract reporters from Reverend Wright? He went bowling again." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die. You know, they're trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the wedding of President Bush's daughter, he's gonna be the minister." --Jay Leno

"Former Governor Eliot Spitzer, you all remember him. He had a little problem not too long ago. He's back in the news, ladies and gentlemen. This is good news for me. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is reportedly gonna write a book about his hooker scandal. Apparently, that's true. That's what I hear, yeah. Yeah, the good news about Spitzer's book: apparently, it has a happy ending." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night on Fox News,
Hillary Clinton is gonna be making her first ever appearance on Bill O'Reilly's show, 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Yeah, Hillary should do well, 'cause she has years of experience yelling 'Shut up, Bill!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today,
President Bush gave a news conference about the economy, but he stubbornly refused to say the word 'recession.' He would not say the word 'recession.' Instead, President Bush said our country is headed towards something with three syllables that rhymes with refression." --Conan O'Brien

"'Us' magazine says that Nicole Richie has endorsed
Barack Obama for president. Nicole Richie has endorsed Barack Obama. Richie said, 'I'd throw my weight behind him, but I don't have any.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton announced today she'll appear on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' That should be a great confrontation. On one side, a loudmouthed bully who wants to tear apart the Democratic Party and on the other side, there's Bill O'Reilly." --Craig Ferguson

"Let me ask you a question. Are you sick and tired of the Democratic presidential primary? I mean, well, Hillary, of course, wants another debate. ... That's right. You heard me. Wants another debate. She says she got nothing more to say really. She just wants to show off a new pantsuit." --David Letterman

And why not? But I mean, you think about it. The primary season is just dragging and dragging and dragging and the election is not for another three years. So last week Pennsylvania, next week, my home state of Indiana. Then North Carolina primaries. Then Canada. Right? And then on to Europe. The European primaries are coming up." --David Letterman

"How about that
John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Nation, I am sick and tired of all the jokes about John McCain's age. The only thing older than a McCain is old joke is John McCain. That guy is ancient. But there is so much more to the senator than his extreme age. He's also extremely superstitious. According to the Washington Times, John McCain always carries around a lucky penny, a lucky nickel, a lucky quarter, a lucky feather, a lucky compass and a lucky four leaf clover. The only unlucky thing around John McCain is the person behind him at airport security." --Stephen Colbert

"Back during his 2000 run, when McCain once displaced his feather, there was a momentary panic in the campaign until his wife found it in one of his suits. At least he told her it was his lucky feather. He could have just been seeing some other tall blonde [on screen: photo of Cindy McCain next to Big Bird]. In addition, he won't take a salt shaker from a passer's hand. Also won't throw a hat on a bed. A lot of people don't know about that superstition, but it's an old saying from McCain's childhood: Throw a hat on the bed, woolly mammoth make you dead." --Stephen Colbert

"Nation, I am 100% behind John McCain! No matter how old or superstitious he is, tonight I'm proud to unveil a banner showing my support [on screen: Colbert unveils a banner for McCain, 'McCain '08: The Luck Stops Here,' after opening an umbrella indoors and walking under a ladder]." --Stephen Colbert (
Watch video clip)

"There are nine months left in office for President Bush, and he's keeping very busy. Today, he held a press conference to talk about the economy. It was a solid press conference for the president, he pronounced the word stimulus correctly almost every single time. He wouldn't come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn't care that much anymore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was also at the
White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. He did a little comedy routine there, too. And, he grabbed the baton and conducted the Marine Corps band [on screen: video of Bush conducting the band]. The man leading that band is also leading this country. And I think he did a better job with the band." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama today was trying to get back some of the momentum that he had a couple of months ago by passionately denouncing his pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. That's the guy with the wacky YouTube videos. He has not been helping Barack very much. He has been shouting his mouth off in the media. And he's been hinting that Obama does agree with him, but won't say so. Also, he told the National Press Club yesterday that he believes the U.S. government may have invented AIDS. And on Sunday, he was the guest speaker at the NAACP dinner where he used marching bands to illustrate the differences between black people and white people." --Jimmy Kimmel