Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"President Bush is busy, meanwhile. President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night. Si. ... And he said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor' Very nice, yeah. Then Bush said, 'And by 'neighbor,' I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and never leaves.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don't want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can't, of course, anymore." --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There'll be 200 guests at the wedding, which, according the latest polls, means that 140 of those people at the wedding disapprove of the job President Bush is doing." --Jay Leno

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"And Indiana and North Carolina held their primaries today. But the Democrats are now saying that Hillary and Barack could be battling for the nomination well into June. Now, aren't they acting more and more like Republicans? Neither one of them has an exit strategy, you know?" --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential Democratic campaign, the primaries? Whoa, are you kidding me? I mean, today they're in Indiana. My home state. And also North Carolina. And then, after that, they go to Canada. And then after the Canadian primaries, they go to Europe. They do the European [primaries], and the election is still three years away." --David Letterman

"I am fascinated by the strategy that both candidates employ from time to time. For example, in Indiana, Hillary Clinton is going after the blue collar vote. That's right. The blue collar vote. And so she's been drinking beer, driving a pickup truck, and earlier today she was at a construction site hooting at chicks. 'Hey, hey, baby!'" --David Letterman

"Gas killing you? The price of gas? They're talking about $10 by Labor Day. Honest to God, $10 a gallon. Hillary says that she supports now a summertime gas tax holiday. I don't know what that means exactly, but I will tell you I'm in favor of a holiday that does not involve relatives. Are you with me on that?" --David Letterman

"The results are in, the polls are closed, and right now we're projecting that Barack Obama is liked more by black people than Hillary Clinton." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats had two important primaries today, in North Carolina and Indiana, and the party could be over for Hillary Clinton. She might have won Indiana, but she lost North Carolina, which is bigger. They're saying now, really the only way Obama could possibly lose would be for him to marry Bill Clinton, which isn't going to happen." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary needed to win decisively in both states tonight, she didn't do that, which means her chances to win the nomination are very slim. But will she quit? Oh, not a chance. She will stay in the race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Senator Clinton was on 'Extra' last night. They asked her about potential running mates. And all I have to say is, I'm pretty excited about some of the names being tossed around [on screen: video of Clinton, asked to choose between Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Jimmy Kimmel for her VP pick]. Hey, all right. Let me tell you something. As far as the list goes, Cowell is a foreigner, so he's out. Ellen is a woman, so I don't think they would pick two women on the same ticket, [so that] pretty much leaves just me. I am pleased to announce that I accept your invitation. I promise a chicken McNugget in every pot. Why not pick me? She's not going to win anyway. We might as well have a lot of fun." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nation, the more I learn about John McCain, the more I like his maverick spirit. For instance, his critics say he's too old. So what does McCain do? He keeps aging. The politically expedient thing would be to grow younger. McCain clearly doesn't care what the polls say. But there is one recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll that he should pay attention to. It found that 32% of Americans consider Barack Obama's connection to Reverand Wright a major concern. But 43% are concerned about John McCain's connection to George Bush. In other words, the biggest political albatross heading into November is George Bush. That is a shame, especially considering everything President Bush has done to ensure the extinction of albatrosses." --Stephen Colbert