Dan Kurtzman's May 7 Late Night Joke Roundup Cut and Pasted on May 10, 2008

All Obama all the time - the next crusade to ensure "that woman" is NOT the Vice President

2008/5/10

@ 07:47 AM (2 months, 15 days ago)

May 7, 2008

"Very tough night for Hillary Clinton, as you're aware. Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out, 'cause there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary, this week on the campaign trail, 'cause she's talking a lot, all the candidates are talking about their past. Hillary Clinton told supporters her first job was as a babysitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told supporters his first time was with a babysitter. So it worked out." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama soundly beat Hillary Clinton in North Carolina by 14 points. And in Indiana, Hillary Clinton won. So you know what this means? No, neither do I. And I don't care anymore. I'm fed up. ... I don't care who wins. Can we end this stupid thing?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting. The experts say, if you do the math, there's no way Hillary Clinton can win the nomination. And today, Hillary responded by saying, 'People who do math are elitist.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, they use that word a lot in the election, 'elitist.' Here's my question. Didn't elite used to be a good thing? I mean, if you were elite, didn't that mean the best? 'Oh, no. We don't want anybody who's elitist. God forbid we should have decent people doing this.' And they say the Clinton campaign is out of money, and today, Republicans said, 'How much do you need?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, not looking good for Hillary. Today, even Yogi Berra said, 'It's over.'" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Did you see what he did this afternoon? Did you see what he did today? He went bowling with his former pastor, Reverend Wright. ... That's confidence." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night, that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people? What is it? Chubby people can't resist them." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This thing just grinds on and on. Barack Obama won in North Carolina. Hillary Clinton barely won in my home state in Indiana, and again, we're hearing that the Clinton campaign is in financial trouble. They need money, desperately need money. And as a matter of fact, to raise money, earlier today. Hillary Clinton entered a wet pantsuit contest." --David Letterman

"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman

"One thing about getting eliminated on 'American Idol,' you have to leave. Unlike the race for president, where Hillary Clinton won't. After last night she now has almost no chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but she's still in it. She says she is staying in this race until the bitter end, or at least until Bill takes the sock off the door handle at their house." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Everybody knows Barack Obama has a problem with the Reverend Wright issue. Americans, I think 35% said that they were concerned about his relationship with the reverend. You, sir, have your own person, religious - I don't want to say zealot - but a religious person endorsing your campaign that Americans have expressed greater concern, your relationship with him - 43%. Will you take the opportunity right now to repudiate and denounce President Bush?" --Jon Stewart to John McCain (Watch video clip)