Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"John McCain, remember him? No one talks about him much anymore. He won his side of this thing like four months ago. He's just wandering around. John McCain's wife was recently overheard saying that they own eight or nine homes. Eight or nine homes, yeah. Yeah, McCain's wife denied this, and stated, 'What I said is, I've tried to put him in a home eight or nine times.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, by the way, and my gosh, talk about a fighter. A fighter. But too bad her campaign is running out of money. That's right. And it's very expensive, and they're not paying their bills. As a matter of fact, today, and this very sad, a collection agency repo'ed her pantsuit. That's a true story. You can look that up." --David Letterman

"So here's what happened on Tuesday. Hillary Clinton barely won my home state of Indiana. And she lost in the state of North Carolina. But here is the good news. She has a substantial lead in the state of denial." --David Letterman

"I was thinking about this, and I'm no political genius. I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither of them has an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"Now here's what I don't understand about government and politics and stuff like that. ... Earlier today, President Bush asked Congress to okay ... an additional $50 billion for his daughter's wedding." --David Letterman

"This weekend, in Crawford, Texas, at the Bush family ranch, one of president Bush's daughter, Jenna, will be getting married. As a matter of fact, tomorrow she is getting married. And I thought this was cute. Because the groom went to President Bush and he asked President Bush for his daughter's hand in marriage. And President Bush said, 'Well, it's okay with me, but you gotta run it by Cheney.'" --David Letterman

"Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, he's the one accused of groping a woman in a Las Vegas parking lot while drunk. The guy's the governor, by the way. But he's filed for divorce. He's now trying to evict his wife from the Governor's Mansion. He's trying to kick her out. Yeah. And he told the press, 'You know what it's like when a woman just won't get the hint and leave?' To which Barack Obama said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, Hillary Clinton is not throwing in the pantsuit. No, siree Bob. In fact, the 'New York Times' reported the other night, while they were on stage, you know, Bill Clinton actually wiped away a tear. This is true. And when Hillary saw it, she said, 'Don't worry, Bill, I'll always be here with you.' And he said, 'Don't make it worse!'" --Jay Leno

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama picked up four more superdelegates this week. Those are the party big shots whose votes, for some reason, mean a lot more than our votes mean. Even so, it's nice to see a politician pick up something other than a prostitute every once in a while." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Democrats are in a tough spot now, because if the superdelegates somehow give the nomination to Clinton, that's going to alienate a lot of African-Americans who support Obama, but if Obama wins, there's going to be a lot of disappointed women voters, which is why I think, now more than ever, we need a President Oprah." --Jimmy Kimmel