Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"Boy, that's got to be every girl's dream, don't you think? Getting married in Crawford, Texas? And to add a little icing to the cake, I understand they're gonna be honeymooning in Plano." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting fact about the wedding a lot of people didn't know. Since her father's approval rating is only 29%, she has asked John McCain to give her away" --Jay Leno

"To help improve his approval ratings, today, President Bush reached out to the gay community. He shook hands with his daughter's wedding planner." --Jay Leno

"According to the most recent exit polls, most people think Hillary Clinton should exit. So that seems the way it's going." --Jay Leno

"Hillary says she's staying in the race because there are new patterns emerging, such as lower educated white men are now supporting her. That's what she said. Polls show she has strong support among lesser-educated white males. So you know what that means: President Bush could be voting for her now." --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is Hillary's campaign is going broke, and her staff have been told that the future campaign events are gonna have to cut back on the frills. Taking out all the frills. For example, when traveling, Bill and Hillary are gonna have to share a hotel room." --Jay Leno

"And, you know, I think she's starting to get a little bit desperate. ... Today, in a small town in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton told the crowd that not only are she and Bill husband and wife, but also brother and sister." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is marking Mother's Day by releasing a video of him talking to his 96-year-old mother. It's, very nice, yeah. There's an awkward moment during the video when Larry King walks by and says, 'Whoa, who's the MILF?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton is still out there campaigning. She refuses to give up. And she's giving a lot of interviews. The other day, Hillary Clinton told reporters that she is the designated worrier in the family. Yeah, Hillary said that she wakes up every night at 4 a.m. and worries about where her husband is." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, Barack Obama is trailing in the polls in West Virginia. Political experts say it's because Barack doesn't have a lot in common with West Virginia voters. Yeah, after hearing this, Barack said, 'Thank God!'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first daughter, Jenna Bush, is getting married tomorrow at the Bush family brush-clearing facility in Crawford, Texas. So, if you're feeling a little bit low this weekend, maybe you're in a bad mood, things aren't going right, just close your eyes and picture our president doing the chicken dance, because that is what will be happening." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week's issue of 'Time' magazine more or less declares Barack Obama the Democratic nominee. ... Most experts agree he's got the nomination wrapped up, but Hillary Clinton still is not giving up. She says, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And in a way, she's right, because most everyone does want her to get going already. She won't, though." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, New York City Congressman Vito Fossella was arrested for drunk driving, then caught having an extramarital affair, then exposed for having a secret child with his mistress. Or, as it's known in Washington, the trifecta." --Seth Meyers

"The state of Israel turns 60 on Thursday, meaning it won't be long before it moves to Florida." --Amy Poehler

"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. Aw, that's cute, said oil." --Amy Poehler