Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"Beautiful wedding down there in Crawford, Texas. They had a great time. And everybody enjoyed a lovely reception. And Bush danced with all the guests. And then Cheney shot the cake." --David Letterman

"How about that presidential race? Hillary Clinton just won't quit. Can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? You have to admire somebody who, against all odds, just won't quit. I mean, right now she has absolutely no chance whatsoever of being president, but she just won't quit. And they're running out of money. Hillary Clinton, God bless her, is running out of money. And today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit." --David Letterman

"But if you look at this historically, it's not that difficult to believe that Hillary would still be campaigning. Listen to this. Once a year, once a year in his basement, Al Gore gives a State of the Union address." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend in Texas, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, got married. Very nice, yeah. Afterwards, President Bush said, 'I haven't cried that much since Steve left 'Blues Clues.'' --Conan O'Brien

"No, everyone, apparently, had a very good time at the wedding. And afterwards, the press asked him, and President Bush said it was 'spectacular.' Yeah, when asked why, President Bush said, 'Three words: the chicken dance.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow is the West Virginia primary. Many political experts are expecting a record voter turnout. They think everyone's going to turn out. West Virginia voters say they're being lured to the polls by the excitement of the campaign, the closeness of the race and the promise of free squirrel meat. I'm gonna get a shotgun blast in the ass for that." --Conan O'Brien

"Right now, this is interesting, director Oliver Stone is making a movie about President Bush that's called 'W.' Yeah. He's also making a movie about John McCain called 'No Country for Old Men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Before we begin, in case Hillary Clinton is watching, I'd like to point out the exits [on screen: Leno mimics an airline attendant in pointing out the exits]." --Jay Leno

"Well, as reported, some Democrats are quietly sending word to Hillary that it's over. And Hillary's people said it's not over until the fat lady sings. To which Bill said, 'There's a fat lady? Where?'" --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary Clinton said she will not give up, she will go to the convention, and she will win. And then the bartender said, 'Ma'am, it's 3:00, we're closing.'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, you hear Hillary's new slogan? 'I'm just in it now to annoy the hell out of everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"Political experts are saying the only thing that can stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal. And that's not gonna happen, because Barbara Walters said, 'He's way too young for me.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain said in his speech today, if he is elected president, he will fight evil. Until then, he will just continue to fight incontinence." --Jay Leno

"And former congressman Bob Barr entered the race today as a Libertarian. He's a Libertarian. See, I don't think Bush understands these terms. When they asked Bush about it, he said, 'Look, I don't care if the guy doesn't eat meat, what does he stand for?'" --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, still-President Bush celebrated the wedding of his daughter, Jenna. She married Myron Goldblum at Temple Beth El, in, I believe, Dix Hills, Long Island. It's a very reformed synagogue. I kid, of course! The young man's name is Henry Hager. The wedding was at the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas, and the rabbi was a priest. There's a close-up of Jenna's dress [on screen: photo of Jenna Bush in her wedding gown]. She looks lovely in an Oscar de la Renta made of white organza. Because what's she going to do, wear chiffon in May? She's not her father, people. Get over it. ... I'm told that that joke made sense" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

S"Nation, I hope you all caught Clinton spokesman Terry McAuliffe on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. Impressive performance, calm, cool and collected [on screen: McAuliffe talking to NBC's Tim Russert about Clinton's chances in the race]. ... I believe he did the entire interview in one breath. Beat that, David Blaine. Now, everybody knows the number one rule when you appear on 'Meet the Press' is to appeal to the issues Tim Russert cares about, specifically, his father, Big Russ [on screen: video of McAuliffe talking about Russert's dad as if he were dead, then Russert correcting him and telling McAuliffe his father is still alive]. Yes, turns out Russert's father is still alive. But folks, that was no slip of the tongue. The Clintons play hardball, Tim. It was a thinly-veiled threat against your dad. You take it easy on Hillary, or Big Russ will be sucking down scotch in heaven. I hope that Barcalounger does not have its back to a window" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)