Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"Hillary Clinton, big blowout in West Virginia's primary tonight. Yeah, she's the big winner in West Virginia. Which means that one day, she could be president of West Virginia." -Jay Leno

"You know, Hillary's campaign [is] $20 million in debt. $20 million, which proves, if anything, she could be president." --Jay Leno

"In fact, money is so tight in her campaign, I understand today, she was wearing a rented pantsuit." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting? Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. That's what they called it today, 'the moment of truth.' I love politics. They campaign and lie to us for six months, but we only get a moment of truth. Why can't we have a little more truth?" --Jay Leno

"And you know this talk about vice president. You've heard this rumor going around. George Stephanopoulos on ABC said that Hillary would accept the vice presidency, but under certain conditions. Like, if Barack Obama was to get really, really sick. Maybe then." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this? This is kind of an interesting idea. In a move they say could revolutionize politics, John McCain and Barack Obama said they might campaign together, go out together. Yeah, they're going to bill themselves as 'Ebony and History.' No, but they would go out and they would debate each other on the road. You got the older, grumpy white guy, and you got the young, smooth-talking black guy. Doesn't that sound like the premise for the worst sitcom of all time? Coming to NBC, it's 'Grandpa and the Brother!'" --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced this week that he will go to Saudi Arabia and meet with King Abdullah. That's got to be nerve-wracking for President Bush, huh? Being called to the carpet by the big boss." --Jay Leno

"With all the problems we have going on right here, how many think it's a mistake for him to leave the country? I'm curious. How many think the mistake is him coming back?"

"To give you an idea how low President Bush's approval rating is right now, at his daughter's wedding last weekend, he wasn't in any of the photos. You know that? 'Can you step aside? Excuse me, excuse me, can you move out of the picture?'"

"Jenna Bush and her husband, Henry Hager, are honeymooning in Europe right now. That's what they're doing. And President Bush is nothing if not consistent. Like he said, there's no timetable for bringing him home. That's what he said. They're not bringing him back any time soon." --Jay Leno

"Henry Hager, he was good in Van Halen. I liked him." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush actually cried at his daughter's wedding? Did you see that in the news? ... I haven't seen a grown man cry like that since Bill Clinton realized Hillary might be coming home a lot sooner than he thought" --Jay Leno

"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now." --David Letterman

"And you're not going to believe this. In Times Square today, honestly I saw a hooker in Times Square ... wearing a sign that read, 'Will accept economic stimulus checks.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman

"But they're not even pretending. Hillary Clinton is so broke now, and this is true, some friends of mine spotted her, in the middle of the night last night, at a laundromat, honest to God, with a hamper full of pantsuits" --David Letterman

"Big Democratic primary in West Virginia tonight. Hillary, of course, has long been predicted to win by 20 to 30 points. This is great news. No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want, and I know that because I read it today in today's 'USA Today,' which ran this headline: 'Dems say let the contest continue,' just above this much smaller headline, 'But more say Clinton should quit, polls show.' Well done, 'USA Today.' Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them" --Stephen Colbert