Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary with nearly 70% of the vote. That's a lot. Yeah, apparently Hillary would've gotten even more votes from the West Virginians, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, after Hillary won the West Virginia primary, she held a campaign rally and she said, this is a quote. 'It's not over and I will never give up.' Yeah. And she flew off on her broom and said, 'And I'll kill your little dog, too!'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he's everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She was the big winner in West Virginia last night, with 67 percent of the vote versus 26 percent for Barack Obama, who hasn't had numbers that low since the last time he went bowling." --Jay Leno

"You can tell Hillary was kind of pandering to voters in West Virginia. Like today, she promised if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anybody with teeth." --Jay Leno

"No, but, hey, give her credit. Hillary Clinton is living proof of the American dream. Think about it. If you work hard and really put your mind to it, you can watch someone else become president." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Hillary. Just a few hours ago, John Edwards announced he will be endorsing Barack Obama. Well, the rumor is that Barack Obama promised him, if elected, he would offer him the cabinet position of Secretary of Shampoo and Highlights." --Jay Leno

"Although, Hillary Clinton was quick to point out Dennis Kucinich still has not endorsed anyone yet. Still on the fence there. I don't want to say Hillary is doing badly in the delegate count, but she's so far behind, her Secret Service code name is now NBC." --Jay Leno

"And according to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. When they told John McCain about this, he said, 'Huh?'" --Jay Leno

"And the Energy Department said today that gas prices will peak next month at $3.75 a gallon, which surprised a lot of people. We actually have an Energy Department? Hey, where is it?" --Jay Leno

"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling." --Jay Leno

"No, Howard Dean was once the biggest Internet phenomenon until that 'Leave Britney alone' guy came out." --Jay Leno

"Where is President Bush? Well, I'll tell you where President Bush is today. President Bush is in Israel. That's where he is today. He is there looking for kinishes of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"You know who was in town this morning? John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He was on the 'Regis and Kelly' program this morning. And I don't know, maybe he was tired. I don't know what the deal was. He seemed a little confused. He kept calling Regis 'Maury.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the reason, the day before, John McCain was in the Pacific Northwest, and one of the things he did, he strolled through a redwood forest, took a nice, long walk through a redwood forest, and you know what, folks? He was the oldest thing in the forest." --David Letterman

"Hillary won big in West Virginia, Hillary won big. But here's the thing, her campaign is broke. They're out of money. $21 Million in debt. That's a lot of money to be in debt running for president, you know. And here's how desperate it is. Today, Hillary is so broke, she was shopping at Bob's Discount Pantsuits." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary last night. She raked in 20 of the 28 delegates for West Virginia, which means now she has even more of no chance to win this thing. She still refuses to quit. Hillary said she's going to continue to run, no matter what the voters say." --Jimmy Kimmel

"To add to Hillary's misery today, former North Carolina senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama in Michigan. ... And if there was ever any doubt that Barack Obama has what it takes to be a president of the United States, that doubt was erased during a campaign stop in Oregon [on screen: video of Obama saying he's visited all 57 states]. As you can see there, he's definitely ready to take over for President Bush. He needs rest. Some crazy lady keeps calling him at 3:00 a.m. every night." --Jimmy Kimmel