Obama Central - Barack Rules - Hillary is Roadkill

Browse Recent Jokes

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

July 7, 2008

"Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno

"No I tell you though, shows you how scary these kind of things can be. Obama's wife Michelle, pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems, although not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay. She was inconsolable!" --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity, that's why they went to Unity, New Hampshire. Bill Clinton could not be there, he was in Intercourse, Pennsylvania." --Jay Leno

"That shows you what a great country it is, only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called Sincerity!" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno

"And here's a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That's what he said, stupid thing, that's what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate." --Jay Leno

"Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice, JJohn McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great ... very sharp." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon, this guy is on top of everything. But Bush said now he's not just for offshore drilling, but now he says he's looking for other alternatives -- like today he supports drilling for solar energy, see I don't think he quite understands, I think he's a little confused" --Jay Leno

"Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now everyone's fine, let me stress, everyone's fine, but earlier today the campaign plane carrying Barack Obama had to make an unscheduled landing due to some mechanical problems. And coincidentally, John McCain's campaign plane, also had some mechanical problems, take a look at this footage. [on screen: black and white old-timey footage of '20's era man on a runway, slowly riding a bike with wings and motor attached. The bike crashes, and the man scrambles to safety as the bike is engulfed by smoke and fire). He was wearing a phonebook in his pants." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, the Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000 seat football stadium. Yeah, 80,000 seat football stadium, that's pretty impressive. Yeah, meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." --Conan O'Brien

"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien