Two buddies, Sam and Bob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Bob throws up all over himself.  "Oh, no. Now Carol will kill me!"  Sam says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Carol that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."  So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Bob rolls into home and his wife Carol starts to give him a bad time.  "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My, you're disgusting!"  Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Bob says, "Now wain aminit, I can e'splain everything! tsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me ... he'd had one too many and he just  couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Carol looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."  Oh, yeah...I almos' forgot, he shit in my pants, too."

Bengals are 5 - 2 and have given up less points than the 3 - 3 Ravens.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before." The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job." The owner asks, "What do you do?" The guy says, "I write music and play the piano." The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested." The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?" The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out." The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?" The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played. The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore." The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees. That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out. One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?" The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

Anyone have any ideas how I can improve my eHarmony profile?

Sexism, what's it good for?

Will the woeful Ravens win another game this season?  They SUCK!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA HAH

Two blondes living in Montana were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.  It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.  The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,  "I've had enough of this".  She goes downstairs.  The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"  The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Pelosi Reid Dodd are Nazis and facing extermination

Here is what Ed says:  The Ravens are overblow overhyped losers who won't make the playoffs.  Look for an upset and childlike crying by Ravens fans.

Here is what the "experts" say:

Here is what Ed says:  Look for big plays from Michael Vick from the Wildcat.  There is a 25% chance that Michael Vick will be playing QB by midway through the third quarter.

Here is what the "experts" say:

Oh yeah she brought Jeff Garcia along

There ARE advantages in swallowing

        1st woman: Hi! My name is Alice.
        2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

        1st woman: I froze to death.
        2nd woman: How horrible!

        1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking  from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

       2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

        2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

        1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Why is when some dirty rotten scoundrel dies, he is turned into the most wonderful man that every lived?  Guess you know who I am talking about.....

The death watch is on for both, which will bump off first?