Whining Ugly Bitches
Sexism, what's it good for?
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO." --Jay Leno
"You know anything about Dennis Kucinich? ... During the debate, he claimed he once saw a UFO. Yeah, a UFO. Not only that, he claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife." --David Letterman
"But Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one'" --David Letterman
"Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I'm starting to think GOP stands for 'Grab Our Penises.' ... It's another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women's clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women's clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he's also a little tramp too. ... After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, 'Shut up.'" --Jay Leno
"All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that's why so many women are Democrats, 'cause Democrats will at least have sex with them." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, 'It was Hillary's worst performance since our honeymoon.'" --Jay Leno
"The Atlanta International Airport is considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms. To help cope with the huge drought in Georgia, they want shorter flushes on the toilets. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, speed dating" --Jay Leno
"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the Democratic debate? ... Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, 'And you are?'" --David Letterman
"Political experts are criticizing Senator Hillary Clinton's performance during the debate this week, calling it her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'That's what you think.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Like any civilized country and organization, from time to time, we in America have to have a national conversation with ourselves. Ask tough questions about who we are; what we believe in; is our children learning; would we, in fact, would like fries with that; do we torture, which like any weighty question of ethics, is actually a question of semantics ...
[on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying the way torture has been defined in the liberal media shouldn't be done]. What is the liberal definition? I have the Liberal Dictionary right here. Let's see how they define waterboarding: 'something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay married.' I can see why he'd have a problem with that" --Jon Stewart
"It's a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot. ... I've had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I've called them pansies, twits, losers, Dummocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that's all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)
"There were a few requirements I had to meet. Before they'd even consider me, I had to get rid of my Reagan tattoo, so I just worked him into another design [on screen: tattoo of fire breathing Reagan dragon]. In addition, South Carolina Democrats require their candidates be generally acknowledged or recognized in news media throughout the United States as viable candidates. How's this for generally acknowledged? [on screen: a newspaper headline]. 'Stephen Colbert Moves Ahead Of Richardson, Closes In On Biden, In National Poll.' Plus, ABC News says my campaign is 'no joke.' I ask you, is anybody saying that about Richardson and Biden? Not after that poll." --Stephen Colbert
"But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson's running as a Republican. So last weekend, I went down to my home state to press the flesh [on screen: footage of Colbert campaigning in SC]. ... This weekend made my candidacy a lock, so Carol Fowler from the executive council should be contacting me any moment with their decision. ... [on screen: Fowler calling in and saying Colbert will not be put on the ballot]. Thanks, Carol. Listen, this is on a cell phone and you're not a part of my five, so I should probably go. Thanks so much and give my best to everybody in South Carolina. Say hello to the other members of the Democratic council and tell the candidates I'll see them in hell. Okay, bye bye." --Stephen Colbert
"They're not putting me on the ballot. ... They did what they think is best for South Carolina, and you know, just making it this far is reason to celebrate too. Jimmy, go ahead and drop the balloons. ... It's all for the best. I'm so busy with my book tour and my show and hanging out with all those friends I have. Plus, I have time to eat all these free delicious Dorritos" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)
