The Ed Blog

"We hear FEMA members are all getting dressed up as reporters this year. ... You know about this latest FEMA controversy, this is just unbelievable. In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phoney press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney went hunting this week. As part of his entourage he has an ambulance. This is true, he has an ambulance with him wherever he goes. This is very clever. See what he does is, he uses the ambulance to flush lawyers out into the open and then..." --Jay Leno

"Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a little trouble this week, little trouble for saying marijuana is not a drug, it is a leaf, it is a plant. He said marijuana is not a drug and today his approval rating in California, 99.99%" --Jay Leno

"Anybody here for the marathon this Sunday in New York City, the annual marathon. What a tremendous event, like 40,000 runners. And you know they have to have about 400 portable toilets along the route of the marathon. You know what portable toilets are, as Larry Craig told us, they're singles bars." --David Letterman

"How about Gerald Ford? Do you remember when Gerald Ford was president? And apparently after he was out of office, he was retired quite a long time before the man passed away, and he did a series of interviews with reporters and he said I'm going to tell you a lot of things now but don't print them, don't publish this until I'm gone. And now there's a new book with that title, 'Gerald Ford: Write it When I'm Gone,' and the insights and revelations are amazing, take a look. [Clip of announcer saying: "On September 8, 1974 I ended our long national nightmare by pardoning Richard Nixon. It was a difficult decision, but Nixon made it easier by offering $500 in cash and one night with Pat. This has been Gerald Ford, Write it when I'm gone."] Don't kid yourself, I hear Pat was a bobcat" --David Letterman

"Folks, when I decided to run for president I did not do it for attention. I did it to fulfill a dream of being the most popular man in the world. But the media can't keep their sticky hands out of my populous pie. Look at these headlines: ABC NEWS, 'Colbert Campaign May Run Afoul of Law;' Politico, 'Colbert 'run' risks breaking law;' Outside the Beltway, 'Colbert Run May Violate Federal Election Law.' For the record, I would never knowingly violate any federal election laws. Luckily, I don't know any federal election laws." --Stephen Colbert

"Do you ever feel like we have too many debates? Another one just ended like four minutes ago on MSNBC. I'm told Mike Gravel ripped his own arms off and it still wasn't very interesting. But it's wives' turn. Last week, Cindy McCain, Michelle Obama, Jeri Thompson, Elizabeth Edwards, and Ann Romney got together to film a 'View' rip-off pilot. Will the networks stop at nothing to combat the writers' strike? ... [clip of Thompson from the event: 'They wanted me to come on the campaign bus, and they said there wasn't any room for the changing table. And that's where I drew the, that was the first line, I'm not going unless you figure out how to get a changing table.'] And that's how the world first learned that Fred Thompson wears a diaper. ... So no disasters, not much learned -- kind of like a regular debate" --Jon Stewart

Unlike the skank who simply finds a website and hits copy and paste and passes off the compilation as the skank's own, it is copy and paste all the way here and proudly so.

"Candidates out there campaigning very hard. Everyone's trying a different angle right now to get the lead. Presidential candidate John McCain has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him on his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." --Bill Maher

"The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, 'What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?'" --Bill Maher

"He met the Dalai Lama this week. I'm not sure that he really understands what being a Lama means, because all of his questions were about what it's like to live in Michael Jackson's zoo." --Bill Maher

"How many arch conservatives are here tonight? Sam Brownback has quit the race for president. His supporter is devastated. ... Brownback said he couldn't raise enough money, he couldn't get enough support, and he got tired of carrying around that fetus in a jar. ... He said he knew he made the right decision to get out of the race when he sat down to tell his wife and she said, 'You're running for president?'" --Bill Maher

"Two of the defendants in the Jena 6 case ... were guests last night at the BET Hip Hop awards. Wow, that's pretty good for teenage kids, right? They said if they had known they'd be getting this much attention, they would have beat the crap out of a white kid a long time ago." --Bill Maher

"More bad news today for Barack Obama. He just found out he's related to Bill O'Reilly too. The guy can't get a break!" --Jay Leno

"Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people's water bottles" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought this was sad: Al had the Nobel Peace Prize for less than a week and O.J. broke in and stole it." --David Letterman

"He's won an Academy award, he's won an Emmy award, and now he's won a Nobel prize. Honestly, I think it's going to his head. Listen to what happened over the weekend: Al Gore was in a bar screaming, 'Who wants a Nobel prize piece of ass?'" --David Letterman

THIS ONE IS A STUNNER:  IT CAN'T BE HILLARY OR PELOSI (PROBABLY NOT)

I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE THE ONE MAKING THE SNIFF TEST

SKANK = HERMAPHRODITE = JACKASS = JALONE = HILLARY = SOONER = DAMNJAN

You are full of shit and one sarcastic obnoxious stupid bitch.  Even Michael Moore refuses to do you.  Crawl back into your rathole or better yet move in with Keith Olbermann.  Perhaps you will poison each other.