The Ed Blog

Note: All of the late-night shows are in reruns while the joke writers are on strike. In the meantime, you can browse the late-night joke archive.

Nov. 2-3, 2007

"The writers are going on strike on Monday. ... They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating." --Jay Leno

"Hey, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It's kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it's a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women's clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he's not gay. ... Fortunately, the other guy was. ... Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig's wife is standing by him." --Jay Leno

"All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, 'cause Bill's been trying to talk her into that for years." --Jay Leno

"Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush said, 'The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.' Then Dick Cheney said, 'But not the oil, right?'" --Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State Department. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'" --Bill Maher

"Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she's not a real Democrat because she might actually win something." --Bill Maher

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? ... He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday." --Bill Maher

"A sixth grade woman teacher from Nebraska ... is on the run with her 13-year-old boyfriend. I know that sounds bad, but consider this, he is a child and she didn't leave him behind." --Bill Maher

"Here's the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. ... He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. ... But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? There was a guy arrested in a hotel. ... He's in a hotel and he's trying to have sex with a ... bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig. I am begging you!" --David Letterman

"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'" --Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton on Thursday visited Wellesley College and told students, 'This all-women's college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.' Although she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-Bush." --Seth Meyers

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'" --Amy Poehler

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has a new platform -- live long and prosper. Did you here about this? Dennis Kucinich admitted during the debates the other night that he had seen a UFO up close. See, Dennis Kucinich doesn't seem like the type of guy who would see a UFO, he seems like the kind of guy you'd see coming out of a UFO." --Jay Leno

"You know anything about Dennis Kucinich? ... During the debate, he claimed he once saw a UFO. Yeah, a UFO. Not only that, he claims aliens introduced him to his hot wife." --David Letterman

"But Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one'" --David Letterman

"Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I'm starting to think GOP stands for 'Grab Our Penises.' ... It's another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women's clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women's clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he's also a little tramp too. ... After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, 'Shut up.'" --Jay Leno

"All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that's why so many women are Democrats, 'cause Democrats will at least have sex with them." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's meltdown during the debate the other night continues to be the big story. Even Bill Clinton said, 'It was Hillary's worst performance since our honeymoon.'" --Jay Leno

"The Atlanta International Airport is considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms. To help cope with the huge drought in Georgia, they want shorter flushes on the toilets. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, speed dating" --Jay Leno

"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving." --Jay Leno

"Anybody see the Democratic debate? ... Tough night for candidate Bill Richardson. During the entire debate, the only question Tim Russert asked him was, 'And you are?'" --David Letterman

"Political experts are criticizing Senator Hillary Clinton's performance during the debate this week, calling it her worst performance of the year. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'That's what you think.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Like any civilized country and organization, from time to time, we in America have to have a national conversation with ourselves. Ask tough questions about who we are; what we believe in; is our children learning; would we, in fact, would like fries with that; do we torture, which like any weighty question of ethics, is actually a question of semantics ...
[on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying the way torture has been defined in the liberal media shouldn't be done]. What is the liberal definition? I have the Liberal Dictionary right here. Let's see how they define waterboarding: 'something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay married.' I can see why he'd have a problem with that" --Jon Stewart

"It's a special night, nation. Tonight we find out whether my name will appear on the South Carolina Democrat primary ballot. ... I've had my differences with the Democrats in the past. I've called them pansies, twits, losers, Dummocrats, Democrazies and Nazis. But hey, that's all water under their Nazi-bridge if I make it all on the ballot. I can play ball. As they say, when in Sodom, vote Pelosi." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"There were a few requirements I had to meet. Before they'd even consider me, I had to get rid of my Reagan tattoo, so I just worked him into another design [on screen: tattoo of fire breathing Reagan dragon]. In addition, South Carolina Democrats require their candidates be generally acknowledged or recognized in news media throughout the United States as viable candidates. How's this for generally acknowledged? [on screen: a newspaper headline]. 'Stephen Colbert Moves Ahead Of Richardson, Closes In On Biden, In National Poll.' Plus, ABC News says my campaign is 'no joke.' I ask you, is anybody saying that about Richardson and Biden? Not after that poll." --Stephen Colbert

"But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson's running as a Republican. So last weekend, I went down to my home state to press the flesh [on screen: footage of Colbert campaigning in SC]. ... This weekend made my candidacy a lock, so Carol Fowler from the executive council should be contacting me any moment with their decision. ... [on screen: Fowler calling in and saying Colbert will not be put on the ballot]. Thanks, Carol. Listen, this is on a cell phone and you're not a part of my five, so I should probably go. Thanks so much and give my best to everybody in South Carolina. Say hello to the other members of the Democratic council and tell the candidates I'll see them in hell. Okay, bye bye." --Stephen Colbert

"They're not putting me on the ballot. ... They did what they think is best for South Carolina, and you know, just making it this far is reason to celebrate too. Jimmy, go ahead and drop the balloons. ... It's all for the best. I'm so busy with my book tour and my show and hanging out with all those friends I have. Plus, I have time to eat all these free delicious Dorritos" --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

"Short sales" leave the owners with nothing, the lender with less and the realtor with a commission.  F**k you jalone.  You are a lying skank.